People very rarely speak on the tube. But when they do, it's normally quite memorable. The following are statements I have overheard on the London Underground or have been sent to me by fellow eavesdropping Londoners.

If you want to send me something that you have overheard on the tube, leave a message here.

 

1. Oh yes. Let's all laugh at George Bush... because that hasn't been done before, has it?

2. I had never seen Big Ben until about three weeks ago. There was a tourist taking pictures and I thought "What the fuck?"

3. They put me in a bubble.

4. She likes Irish men, but that's alright, I suppose.

5. I mean, it's a gym, not a men's toilet.

6. You want to come to John's birthday party tomorrow? We can drink beer and play video games!

7. Do you ever feel like you exist? I mean, look at my face, it's like a painted picture.

8. I could feel the piss coming but I couldn't stop it.

9. I hate the way they call the airport London Luton. Since when has Luton been part of London?

10. This city is filthy.

1. It makes no difference to me whether you talk or not.

2. I've got a lot of respect for Hans Segers.

3. It's all part of my magnificent philanthropy.

4. Jasper likes jumping out of windows, don't you?

5. She's from Bolivia. It's part of America.

6. We went to the Francis Bacon exhibition. It's good but it's very depressing.

7. Every day I look at my sunglasses and think, "No. Not today."

8. You're talking about rawl plugs, aren't you?

9. Why is the sky so green?

10. I'm using it as a bookmark.

1. I'm sick of painting by numbers. I want to create and not be the same. Why should I put blue in all the number 3s?

2. You shouldn't trust him. He's clever.

3. Oh I hate Woolworths! It's so depressing!

4. The best thing about grapes is grape juice.

5. They're going to make a film of The Hobbit. Probably with midgets.

6. This is summer's last hurrah.

7. I like burping, it's relaxing!

8. This is Japanese beef, yeah? And they feed the cows beer and massage them.

9. You can't eat it... it's cocoa butter.

10. We're here, we're queer, we don't like Germaine Greer.

1. I had to go to the hospital, I've got three kidneys.

2. If you can unfold the bed, you're welcome to it.

3. You can't expect the future to unfold in a linear progression. There's always anomolies.

4. He likes being Scottish, but he doesn't like being in Scotland.

5. If I had a pound for every battery thrown at me...

6. Asians are good at the internet.

7. I've never been to Dagenham. I don't suppose I ever will. I don't feel ashamed about it.

8. I definately wouldn't go out with a man named Winston.

9. What happens at kids parties these days? Do they all have guns and bandanas?

10. Didn't Nelly used to have a sticker on his face?

1. You can't have a church without a steeple.

2. The thing with trams is that tourists keep getting run over, which is great.

3. Simon's getting his face fixed.

4. I don't know everything. I'm not Gandhi.

5. Hold your nose. There's a smell of death.

6. Do you know where I can find The Houses of Parliament?

7. Most football fans just sing the same songs, but they change the words.

8. Why would someone from The Wire appear in a Guy Ritchie film?

9. I just got stopped by a Frenchman asking me out on a date.

10. You can't take upskirt photos anymore... the cameras make a beeping sound.

1. Those Coke glasses at McDonalds are certainly popular.

2. I've gotta stop. Last Christmas, the whole family was there, and I kept on sneaking off to see how Spurs were doing.

3. They send a film crew. They were probably from Estonian telly, but it still counts.

4. He's a gay South African. He's got plenty to worry about.

5. Why do they employ people who you can't understand?

6. Ah! The very man I wanted to avoid.

7. There was no ransom note attached. It's all very suspicious.

8. You shouldn't mistake self-loathing for real insight... unless you're drunk.

9. Elvis was born in Tupelo. I think that's where the band got their name from.

10. Nah, I'm between projects at the moment.

1. And the courgettes, they go mad.

2. Gold. Weapons. Oil. Silver. They're all good investments.

3. How many fucking wankers does it take to change a lightbulb? You. Just you.

4. There's always some Japanese tourist at Kings Cross, lugging a suitcase in front of me.

5. I showered love on her... I really did...

6. Grief. You don't know the meaning of the word.

7. Olympic medals don't mean the stabbing stops, does it?

8. Thirty grand for sitting down and occasionally pressing a button... not bad.

9. I swear I've seen more people drinking on the tube since the ban started.

10. I've lost my spork.

1. Lunch? I don't even know what lunch is anymore.

2. If colour had smell, man, that’s the smell of brown!

3. Pencils... check. Ham sandwich... check. A-Z... check. Bollocks.

4. Who wants to smell like Britney Spears?

5. I'm just going to tell them I work well under pressure.

6. That's what you call a grandstand finish.

7. I was down Southend seafront at the weekend, everyone was Polish!

8. This poor girl was literally covered in shit.

9. They're remaking Knight Rider, aren't they? Surely the end of the world is nigh.

10. Why don't people ever talk on my daily route? Eeugh!

1. Actually, it's not illegal if the vodka is in a Coke bottle.

2. We need a whore for the garden.

3. Fuck me, the tourists attack.

4. I haven't sat down on the tube for about three months.

5. They should make deodorant a compulsory part of tube travel. Sure could sponsor it. They'd make a fortune.

6. Malaysia? That's in Indonesia, isn't it?

7. What does that prove? That God is a Rocker!

8. This is Anastasia, my partner in crime.

9. He just keeps dragging his bum across the floor and I don't know what to do about it.

10. Could you please stop singing?

1. Obviously, their 5-star hotels aren't the same as our 5-star hotels.

2. I'm just a glove machine.

3. That, my friend, is why I'm a former copper and not a serving copper.

4. He is really full-on wooing her.

5. This little chav kid was sitting on the swings and spent about 20 minutes screaming at his mum to push him. Very council.

6. I don't see how anyone can be offended by a piggy bank. No-one's asking anyone to eat it...

7. How can I be racist? I'm half Italian!

8. Jason Bateman likes to walk his dog over my face.

9. What's the worst medical procedure you've ever had?

10. She won't talk to either of us, but she happy to take our money.

1. Ok babe, I'm off scrumping!

2. That was the longest 10 minutes of my life.

3. I don't really speak much Polish. All I can say is Polski Sklep.

4. It makes me so angry that I want to drive up the motorway in my Range Rover chucking food out of the window.

5. The guy in the Sugar Puffs advert is the same guy who plays Fate is the dating ads, isn't he?

6. I once met Tibor Fischer.

7. It's bloody outrageous. Not one Circle Line train is going beyond Edgware Road.

8. Bebo seems to be quite popular with kids who want to shoot each other.

9. It's chalky, not chewy.

10. A load of American girls got on, and they were all wearing Liverpool shirts.

1. Who on earth ends sentences with "Cheery-bye"?

2. On the bus down Green Lanes I saw two muggings and some chav girl screaming her head off at a Sikh guy.

3. I like my nose now. I've grown into it.

4. The problem with working with kids is that you end up with nits.

5. Poor old Boris.

6. I tried a public loo for the first time in ages. I paid 20p, went in, saw a load of shit and walked out.

7. The W3 is diverted. Ferme Park Road is underwater.

8. We really enjoyed our time in Frome.

9. It was a self-catering cubicle.

10. Big Phil Scolari? I assumed it was ironic and he was really tiny. Like a midget.

1. And then we invaded Canada for no reason.

2. Do you wanna go dancing Saturday? No! not clubbing! Dancing!'

3. Cack-handed just means left-handed. It's Arabic or something.

4. LA's not really a theatre town.

5. When she turned up the dog went mental. That tells you something.

6. Where's the hash key?

7. I had to ask him what a snaggle check was... fortunately he gave me the all clear.

8. All that fuss about Jay-Z... I've seen loads of rappers at Glastonbury.

9. Pickpockets, eh?

10. She eats frozen chips, straight from the freezer.

1. It's like Mad Max, only much more gorier.

2. Everyone's going to a hen night at G.A.Y. It's for a civil ceremony.

3. She's not really into food management.

4. I call the remote control "the merote".

5. And that's when you wonder how you managed with such a small fridge.

6. Some guy has worked out where you have to stand on every platform so that when you get off the train you're by the exit.

7. Who decides to become a proctologist?

8. She's got a walk-in cupboard full of her dead boyfriends.

9. We're like two teas in a pod.

10. Wind your neck in, cunto.

1. I'm going all freaky. I'm liking shit that I never thought I'd like.

2. Always time for a Brazil nut.

3. I dunno, he did spend a lot of time accosting strangers with a pink ukelele

4. Half an eggshell is enough. Really.

5. I'm looking forward to watching Wimbledon and not seeing Tim Henman's parents in the crowd.

6. Who is the person who makes the announcements? Is it someone famous?

7. Some people get so angry. I don't think they realise they're making such a fuss in public.

8. If you don't get children, you just don't do it.

9. I'm off to Dubai next week. I can live like a rock star for eight pounds an hour.

10. Why is it that bin stories figure consistently in the world's news?

1. That Pythagoras doesnae exist. He's just a fucking theorem. Like Einstein. If Pythagoras exists, show me a fucking picture.

2. A lot of people don't actually think that Hugo Chavez is a very nice person.

3. I got out of a beige bed wearing a beige t-shirt and put on beige trousers. You know... got a bit lost in the wall.

4. He keeps leaving notes on the fridge. Suicide notes.

5. I never thought I'd wear Converse.

6. It's ok. It's too long and it's black and white and it's French and everyone dies at the end.

7. Is there a cheeseboard?

8. All that press over Heath Ledger... and yet no-one seemed to notice when Brad Renfro died.

9. Wait... I am sure Boris also banned making out on the tube.

10. I think they're pins, I mean - they're not needles...

1. What could you possibly do with A-Levels in food technology and social care? She's not going to be a lawyer with that.

2. The other day, about five years ago...

3. Don't be stupid... Chinese food and Japanese food are the exact same thing.

4. Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Because you smell like birdseed.

5. Is that the one without eyebrows?

6. Let me check on my GMTV time.

7. Have you seen that Zeitgeist film? It's about religion and finance.

8. We're going up to Kenwood for a picnic.

9. I don't have a television. I just watch YouTube.

10. You can't copy and paste "in Portugal" for some reason.

1. Emos, Emus, they're all the same; pale looking grumpy birds dressed in black.

2. Yeah, it's going ok. Except I fancy my boss. He's married, two kids.

3. Okey dokey, I'll see you later after I've dumped my boyfriend.

4. I told you before... I'm not allowed to go into the Post Office anymore.

5. Did you eat my lunch again?

6. I got these... Giorgio Armani... five Euros they cost me.

7. Hey bruv, is this the way to Kentish Town?

8. He's not smoking anymore. He spends all his time chewing on one of those plastic cigarettes.

9. I always end up with short men.

10. If you want to see a woman in a burkha, go to Primark on Oxford Street. It's full of them.

1. Have you let one off? Fuck bro, that stinks.

2. The funny thing is though i keep waking up with odd socks on.

3. Look at everyone, out and about, having fun. What fools.

4. It was raining, except i wouldnt normally mind, but the gerbil was soaking.

5. Most of the unicycle hockey team came from Cambridge.

6. You've lost weight. You'll be too thin to get through the door.

7. I like that Midsomer Murders. All the stars have been in it. And Jane Asher.

8. I have schizophrenic eyes.

9. Who does she think she is? You're underage! I don't give a fuck about your friends.

10. There was some line-dancing going on at the wedding, by the way.

1. I just absolutely can't support Australia when it comes to sport.

2. Oh my god, I've been drinking non-alcoholic beer!

3. Naughty boy! No babycino for you!

4. Everyone knows you don't have sex on your wedding night anyway

5. And then she said, Oh I'm going to Cannes. My friend Benicio will be there, y'know Benicio? The Actor!

6. My mum went on holiday and suddenly it's hot!

7. You are so obtuse!

8. I never understand why Jesus didn't use his superpowers to escape the Romans.

9. Do they use the Black Sabbath song in the film?

10. The problem with women is that they're just too wet.

1. Steve, Miquita and Alexa are all going. You know Steve don't you? Oh of course you do - the Welsh mafia.

2. My breast just went all the way down to the end of the tube.

3. I woke up and he was doing a headstand on my shoes.

4. Was this before or after the nose job?

5. Don't talk to him. He might stab you.

6. The first season is ok, but a bit formulaic. The second series is much more morally ambiguous and all the better for it.

7. The woman's muffin is calling and asking me to eat it.

8. She thinks that being famous is getting on Flashbox.

9. Shit. My phone is still in bed.

10. Jeeves, fetch me my pipe and slippers! And gin! I must have gin.

1. Oyster card? In Scotland, it's called a Haggis Card.

2. I swear he would've eaten that pigeon as well if I hadn't been there.

3. The new Portishead stuff is well dull - if Isee another 5 star review im gonna go mental.

4. She can't even kill herself right.

5. Of course, RD Laing was vilified for his approach to treating schizophrenia.

6. It's handball. It's handball. It doesn't matter what direction the ball is going.

7. I've got a 20 megapixel face.

8. Busy? It's been superbusy!

9. I just don't know what it is about me that attracts stalkers.

10. Stop cussin' my eyebrows you condom.

1. She just started crying. It was brilliant.

2. I had cheesy chips, yeah, and then I fell asleep and he had the rest of my cheese.

3. This is Moorgate. It's not Margate? That's far away innit?

4. You can't spin around under some trees with a camera and call it an art film.

5. Madonna... where do I begin? It's embarrassing seeing a 50-year-old trying to dance like that.

6. It's classic White Coat hypertension.

7. Do halogen lamps give you cancer?

8. How does a Chinaman hold an election?

9. Ooh, he's such a German. He's always starting things and then running away.

10. It's supposed to relax me, but my arm isn't getting enough oxygen and it's stressing me out.

1. It's not for me, it's for the dog, innit.

2. I have far too much pride to go scurrying around under an umbrella.

3. It's the children I feel sorry for.

4. Crab lotion?

5. Money... all my money goes on Tesco's and sanitaries.

6. Are you Polish? Or do you come from Europe?

7. Well what can I do? He's put food in my mouth, and he's put weed in my mouth.

8. Mel gibson? He can't be in another film, I'm sure I saw him get his head chopped off in Braveheart.

9. Sometimes I wish I was my mum.

10. I bought a pair of slippers in Asda for £2.50!

1. I've got a Barney Gumble bottle-opener. Does that count?

2. When you're ready to talk, you know where I am.

3. Why is Charing Cross hospital in Hammersmith? It's misleading.

4. That 50 quid is spending money for court.

5. Bring back hanging! For one night only!

6. I think he used to have something to do with World of Twist.

7. You have to step back to appreciate it. It is like a pointillist painting.

8. Sasuke kun!

9. I've started carry around a plastic bag with me... just in case I go shopping.

10. There are trees and there are leafs and there's the sky and there are willies.

1. If one sausage raises your chances of cancer by 20% then 5 sausages mean that you're 100% guaranteed to get cancer.

2. The doctor told me it's contagious, so I'm not coming into work today.

3. You shouldn't be spending more than a pound on an ashtray.

4. He's like Jabba the Hutt, only thinner.

5. I believe in the Olympiad, I think its in my top 5 favourite things ever.

6. Don't you find it strange how many people resemble hard boiled eggs?

7. I don't know why on earth she's gone and ordered a bouncy castle; I mean, it could chuck it down!

8. Remind me - what is the Latin word for fruit?

9. Who attacks someone with a phone?

10. The year... 1387. The place.... Denmark.

1. Careful. There's coffee.

2. Why is your mum so fat?

3. Could someone please explain Mariah Carey to me? I just don't get it.

4. It's spelt chamois but it's pronounced "shammy".

5. We're drifting, aren't we?

6. There's this desert called a "crazy chocolate overload". I thought it was "crazy chocolate overlord". You know... like Robert Mugabe.

7. How are you supposed to know which are the last carriages and which are the first?

8. There is no place for you in the great rock pantheon.

9. Believe me, there's nothing sexy about a bath full of tea-lights.

10. Simon? Can you hear me? It's Betty. Your wife.

1. I managed to convince my girlfriend that Tasmin Archer was responsible for planning the war in Iraq.

2. Yes, I think she's the Aretha Franklin of fish.

3. It's a rubber washer. That's all you need.

4. They were the finest loafers you'll ever see.

5. How are you enjoying the Force?

6. She gets on the bus and there's 20 kids. They've got a stereo and they're playing music out loud but no-one dares complain.

7. Why are you sending me weird texts? It wasn't even addressed to me, it was to my girlfriend.

8. It explicitly says you shouldn't put cotton buds in your ears.

9. I half expected Cloverfield to be a film about butter.

10. I don't like Ken. I don't like Boris and I'm not convinced about the gay policeman. If I could vote for myself I would.

1. ...and so I said that word "bastard".

2. When someone asks me who I admire, I'm not going to say Branson or Gandhi. I'm going to say Bono.

3. Come back with your dad. He'll get you a monkey.

4. You can never have enough Ghostface Killah albums.

5. It's like being beheaded every day.

6. Easter is for fat people and children.

7. It's quite an interesting look... I like to call it Rustic Imam.

8. Why would anyone move to Holland?

9. Your whole family could live in a giant IKEA bag.

10. You know what I love? Pens that can write on DVDs.

1. You have to swirl it in your mouth, like a blue M&M. She'll move for you.

2. Is it a baby? A plant? No! A man with a moustache.

3. Now you have done it. You are on a sticky wicket, and no mistake.

4. Wake me up when we get to Amarillo. I've had enough.

5. Don't provoke him. He's a nutjob.

6. Tell me that's not a hammer.

7. We've all had a go on her soapy cakes.

8. I love Chelsea. I seen over 70 games live you know. Even the pay-per-view ones.

9. D'ya reckon gays masturbate with dildos?

10. That Joy Division film was a bit depressing. I suppose I should have expected it... I already knew the ending.

1. Who keeps paper money on glass shelves?

2. You are the Sahara. This is the boat. And... go!

3. I'm stuttering like a Japanese interpreter.

4. Your leg looks disproportionate as well.

5. Vin doesn't care about anyone else, he's got his own uni-cycle!

6. Boris has had four wives. He's on his fourth one.

7. But I would have eaten the beef bourguignon! You were the one having a beef with her about the beef bourguignon!

8. What's global warming again? We haven't done it in science yet.

9. I know I was out of order. That's why I came back.

10. How do you spell ankles?

1. In that photo you look so buff... you're such a disappointment.

2. Hi, Is that Julie? This is Wee Wee.

3. There’s this bloke at work. He’s obsessed with midgets.

4. I could just buy a massive tractor.

5. He's going to kill the cats? He is going to poison the cats? Oh, he's Italian.

6. My friend Rhodri has the A-Z on his phone.

7. They close Highgate. Do they warn us? Do they fuck?

8. Have you ever clubbed someone to death with a remote control? It's very satisfying.

9. I'd be quite embarrassed if I won a Brit Award.

10. Julian Cope doesn't appear in public anymore. I think he's some kind of druid nowadays.

1. You can't get through to him. He's just not rationable.

2. I've had it for about a week. There's no mould on it, so you can probably eat it.

3. Who holds up a four year old child to protect themselves?

4. I wish I could break her hands and feet so she can't get about to do any more damage.

5. He turns up outside her house, at her work, she sees him when she picks up the kids. It's scary.

6. Do you look in the mirror before you leave the house?

7. I don't know what went wrong. I have a great relationship with Michael and I have a great relationship with Frank.

8. That man smells of Strongbow.

9. Excuse me... you're snoring.

10. You have to guess the person, but you can't ask direct questions. That's Botticelli.

1. His phone is from the future. It scares me.

2. A lot of the young comedians seem to have beards and I don't like it one bit.

3. It's creamy... almost buttery.

4. You remind me of that bible story about the drowning man who expects God to save him.

5. What are you wearing? Underneath your pants?

6. Does my face look big?

7. Everyone goes to the Hawley Arms in the hope of seeing Amy Winehouse.

8. He works in a joinery on Fortis Green Road.

9. You can't send sperm in the post; it has to be cryogenically frozen or it'll go off.

10. How do you spell Luis Boa Morte?

1. It all depends on us getting a new logo.

2. Yeah, all the roads around here are named after dead people.

3. What's global warming again? We haven't done it in science yet.

4. I know I was out of order. That's why I came back.

5. How many points do you get for punching a poof?

6. It's not like the YMCA don't know what you do.

7. Imagine if we stood here like this forever.

8. Mitt Romney? That's not even a name.

9. Did you know that All Souls College doesn't even have any students? It's only for professors?

10. I much prefer Buzzcocks now that it's Simon Amstell instead of Mark Lamarr.

1. Whenever I'm using Mr Sheen I think of the West Wing.

2. We were in the doctors waiting room and there was this old woman with this evil, alien voice. She was probably ill.

3. The Evening Standard don't really seem to like Ken Livingstone.

4. Wallace and Grommit. Is there ANYTHING more annoying?

5. Last week I noticed that all the seats were taken by men and everyone standing up was a woman.

6. Why are Egypt in the African Cup of Nations?

7. Have you tried the olive tapenade? It's glorious.

8. Do you remember when the Fantastic Four saved the London Eye? I saw it on the news.

9. How can people get so upset about the death of some guy that they never even met?

10. That man just stuck his tongue out.

1. And she came into the office in this trench coat, with, like, two sawn-off shotguns.

2. What's your three favourite fish?

3. I remember reading in Asterix about how the English boiled their meat until there was no flavour left.

4. The stock market. Now it is to be broken.

5. Chelsea tracksuit. Bad skin. Greasy hair. Wanker.

6. 2Mb isn't superfast, is it?

7. I can fit 12 coffee cup sleeves onto each hand.

8. Fucking hell. More lifts. Don't any of the stations have escalators anymore?

9. It's a good example of a Fibonacci sequence in nature. In this case, in a vegetable.

10. Did they name Black Grape after the drink?

1. He seems to have found his niche. He's wearing converse and hanging out with indie kids.

2. ...and I told him I didn't care how many tea towels he had I wasn't letting him rub it on me...

3. She'd actually left the tops on the carrots. Perhaps that's how they cook them in Brazil.

4. East Ham and West Ham are just two sides of a village called Ham.

5. You just want to kill me, innit?

6. All i said was, if your girlfried was pregnant and, like, lactating, right, would you not find it kinky to milk her?

7. Who spells Jack with an I?

8. To be fair mate, it's your call. Just don't tell her I told you.

9. Why isn't there a universal shoe size measuring system?

10. Have no fear, Graham's here.

1. I've got some really good porn on this mobile, proper offensive.

2. There are two kinds of trees: evergreen and deciduous. And they were both made by God.

3. It's horrible but I'm going to have to fail you.

4. Joshua, I'm going to get you some apple juice and you will like it. It's organic.

5. The Indian guy in Heroes is from India, so he's probably Hindu, not Muslim.

6. if London is the greatest city on earth why is it full of such fucking idiots...

7. The Sugababes have really let themselves down.

8. When I get that feeling, I go to sexual Ealing.

9. Of all the commentators, and I'm including John Motson, Andy Gray is by far the worst.

10. My mother-in-Law bought me nipple tassels for Christmas... I'm quite glad I spiked her drink now.

1. It was all foreigners.

2. All I want to do is watch Alvin and the Chipmunks.

3. Jimi Hendrix used to live round here.

4. It's a wooden box, a bit like a coffin, but with round ends.

5. Hello! Yes! We met last week, I think.

6. Why did he run away when you asked him if he wanted something to eat?

7. Christmas is a time for forgiveness. And space travel.

8. Just because it's set in India, they make out like it's culturally condescending.

9. What you gonna do? Fuck a footballer?

10. I spent ages arguing with her over whether or not my neighbour has a moustache.

1. Who brings a baby to a party?

2. You know, you never look as bad naked as you think you do.

3. I tell you what, I hate that fat little fuck from Little Britain.

4. In hindsight, no, I shouldn't have married him.

5. It's just bitter grapes, is all.

6. There's an event at RIBA. except you can't call it RIBA any more...

7. Why are the Chinese so underrepresented in porn?

8. She spends all day talking about curtains and wallpaper.

9. Dad, is this a tubular train?

10. I can't believe Alan Davies would do that. I absolutely love him!

1. What perfume am I wearing? It's called Febreze.

2. That kind of woman will bring you down, man. Bring you down...

3. Can't stand ginger people. I don't mind Leslie, but she's an exception.

4. I know what I am. I'm an alpha female and I like it.

5. She sellotaped her face to a dog.

6. It's quite cool using her car... because of course she's got one of those disabled stickers

7. I'm a size 12, but I can be a size 8 any time I like.

8. We call dad Wallet and mum Laundry.

9. Were you also on the 43 bus?

10. I'm gonna teach you how to use ugly men for money and shoes.

1. Well you're not like John Terry are you, because he's not a cock.

2. The middle ear? Is that the lobe?

3. I love gospel. I swear, I'd be religious if I was black.

4. He dumped her because she wasn't me.

5. I sometimes got to Cambridge and see Stephen Hawkings running around...well...not running so much as wheeling...

6. Xavier! Wait here! Xavier!

7. Yeah, Saville Row is the fucking nuts for clothes shops, man.

8. It's just like speed dating, but you get to paint a pot too!

9. Well, I already have an elephant, so ... no pressure...

10. Do you think Marmite was made to spite people?

1. And I was like: "Sir! You can't say that! That's so rude!"

2. When does the Quest start? I've already found the silver trumpet.

3. I think if I had one wish, it would be to have a cake made in the shape of my body... and then have the Spice Girls come and eat it with me.

4. Ate some mango soap.

5. His name's Eros. He's the Greek God of Love.

6. Standard! Ordinary!... Bog of the range!

7. What can I say? I love my life.

8. I am going on a guided tour by myself.

9. If she dies, I'm going to have to write a book about her.

10. You know, not everything you say is funny.

1. V....v...v...v... Viacom!

2. Are you home? I thought I might check in on you.

3. I don't own you and you don't own me. Now do as I say.

4. Are you still going out with Alfie? Does he love you?

5. Of course, when I talk about satellites, I'm not including the moon.

6. You don't buy a dog and then shit in your own mouth.

7. Why not just print blank pages? That way there's no ink on your hands, and you don't have to read all that rubbish.

8. Maybe it's time we got a virtual pet.

9. He used to drink three double whiskies before he started work. He was always crashing his forklift.

10. I don't understand why you can't smoke. It's an overground station and you're outside.

1. What do you call that bit when you stop fasting at the end of Ramadan?

2. You should shave tonight otherwise you'll just have to do it tomorrow.

3. All the seats were free, and she comes and sits right next to me.

4. Do you play golf? Do you have a caddy... do you have a butler?

5. I feel quite buttery.

6. What you gonna do? Dip the cigarettes in taramasalata?

7. Die, die, die, die, die, die.

8. Right now I'm channelling Freddie Mercury.

9. All the women characters are really needy and whiny. It's quite accurate, I suppose.

10. My friend once saw a bloke wanking on the top deck of a bus.

1. Justin's dog is moving in with us.

2. Where's the remote control?

3. You have contributed nothing to this, as usual.

4. I get really fuzzy ITV and a bit of BBC1.

5. ...yeah, but it's just set too low. Why should the rest of us freeze just 'coz she's a fat bitch?

6. Yeah, she looks like Kylie. If Kylie is a 6 foot bearded transvestite.

7. The wheels on my case go round and round, round and round, round and round.

8. I reckon the parents did it.

9. So, how many episodes in a series of 24?

10. It takes me about 3 minutes to read London Lite.

1. Oxfam screwed him over pretty badly.

2. How does it feel to be a doctor?

3. Well, was it a crumpet or a muffin. I mean, there really is a significant difference.

4. It's terrible, but as I get older, I stop hating Bruce Forsythe.

5. She's not a popular-culture-loser anymore.

6. They threw rice at the wedding. Not boiled rice or egg-fried rice.

7. I bet the next Dr Who will be black.

8. I've had a chest infection for 3 weeks. It's not AIDS.

9. Have a happy life. No. Fuck off and dance.

10. Steptoe and Son, Ever Decreasing Circles... Rentaghost... all the classics.

1. I'm worried the window frames, I'm worried about the doors, and I'm worried about Paul.

2. Yeah, but to be fair mate, I think that Cher actually does believe in life after love.

3. Of course Haloween is more important than Christmas....especially if you're dating a witch.

4. If I won the lottery I'd put £200 on my Oyster card.

5. It would be terrible. Mark says it would be a bit like throwing live kittens off the balcony.

6. If I was stuck on a desert island I'd just eat lobster.

7. Hello? Yeahhh..... I'm in big big trouble.... I've got the keys to the fridges here!

8. I said to her, even though you work for a Not-For-Profit, it doesn't mean you should look like a bag lady!

9. Dress up as a radiator. That'll show them.

10. You can't shoot someone just because they are Brazilian.

1. There were lots of sash windows.

2. Antoine du Beke's real name is Tony Beak. Isn't that fantastic?

3. Elephants... rhinos... they're all pachyderms.

4. I don't like cricket.

5. I'm not quite sure how you defend yourself with a knife.

6. Most Dizzee Rascal fans are white. I'm not saying that like it's bad, but it's interesting.

7. Close the shop early and don't open it until they apologise or pay you.

8. Maxwell Caulfield. He was in The Colbys and Grease 2.

9. Did you really go to work in your slippers?

10. You can compare music and language but they're not the same things.

1. Of course I don't fuckin' trust him. At the end of the day he's a copper, innee?

2. Neither of us have slept with anyone else. Except me, cos I lied.

3. Is there a BBC4? Nobody told me.

4. I don't even know where all the Dr. Pepper came from.

5. Australia is not a country; it's a continent.

6. They say blind people never actually fall asleep.

7. Here comes a hawk!

8. Every four years these clowns become rugby fans... makes me sick.

9. You can't buy a dildo at Woolworths.

10. He wasn't ugly...just uglier

1. In years to come people will remember the day they first shopped at Amy's Ardware.

2. Imagine just driving in a straight line forever until you reach the end of the world.

3. I can't work out how to get the rice not to stick.

4. Do you remember Darren? He collected beermats. He's getting married to some Thai girl he met on the net.

5. I'm not that kind of girl!

6. Is he still banging on about Lisa Stansfield?

7. Are we going through Northampton?

8. He said I looked like Ernie Els, but I've no idea who that is.

9. I never got the point of Virgin... you don't even get the Sky channels.

10. For starters I'd have a butterfly. For the main I'd have a mouse and for dessert I'd have a creme caramel.

1. I'm in the office 8 hours a day, and I reckon I spend 2 hours of that on Facebook.

2. Damn, not again. Ii always get stuck having to buy toilet paper.

3. Lobster, crab and shrimp and all that are the insects of the sea, it's true.